Tuesday, 21 December 2010

"C'mon love, show us your binge!" said Jeremy Cunt, the Hulture Secretary

Tis the season to get merry, far-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

hello travellers and happy solstice. It's the official start of winter but the days get longer from here on in! The run up to Xmas and that can mean only one thing. Shocking office parties, karaoke, and much drunken shenanigans that really put the Osama BIN Laden in BINge drinking.

According to the Drink Aware website 500 people a week (over 25000 per year) are admitted to hospital with acute alcohol poisoning and 30% of all A&E admissions are linked to binge drinking, although they do declare that binge drinking is more than 3 pints of beer for a man, so these figures could be horribly exaggerated. However, having been out a few times this festive season (working both sides of the bar), I could suggest its not surprising so many people go a little overboard at this time of year. It's hard not to when (a) January is a boring detox city and (b) when it's dark by 3:30pm.

Anyway in a salute to all this gross alcohol related indulgence I have put together a list of the top ten drinking games (that I have played) of yesteryear, and possibly even today for your amusement:

1. Edward Ciderhands - a simple game in which someone ties a bottle of cider (usually 2 litres) to each of your hands. If you spill any you get a beating and you cannot, for obvious reasons, go to the toilet until both bottles are empty. BINGE FACTOR - 10 (out of 10)

2. Centurion - simple - a 25ml shot every minute for 100 minutes - unless you want to experience death I would advise beer. This works out at 8.8 pints at 5.28 pints per hour!

3. Test Match - 2 rows of 11 men sit in cricket whites, the umpire keeps the score on a blackboard at the end of the tables, and there is a bucket in the middle of the table for collecting sick. Each man stands in turn and scores 10 runs drinking a half pint at his own leisure or 50 runs for necking it in one, 20 points for a leisure pint and 100 for necking in one go. You are out if you spill a drop or you are sick. You can retire hurt at any time but this counts as being out and you cannot return to the game later. The umpire notes all these things. Last man standing is Man of the Match and the team with the highest runs wins the Test Match.

4. Pub Golf - 18 PAR 3 holes (pubs). You visit each hole, take a photo outside and buy a half inside. If you drink it in 1 sip, you are 2 under par for the hole and mark it on scorecard, in 3 sips you are level par, 5 sips you are 2 over and so on. The man with the lowest score (36 under is the lowest - that's a hole in one every time for 18 pubs) wins! 9 pints in approx 9 hours = 1 per hour. BINGE FACTOR - 8

5. Frisbee Challenge - Turn an Ultimate frisbee upside down and pour in 3 pints (trust me it holds it!) - then find a friend and 2 straws and sup your way to victory against a stopwatch. Quickest time wins! (1.5 pints in 30 seconds each = 3 pints a minute!) BINGE FACTOR - 10

6. Roxanne - Put the 3 minute pop song Roxanne by The Police on the stereo. Line up in teams on both sides of the table and sit. Each time the word Roxanne comes on, one side stands and drinks, then each time the words Put on the red light come on, the other side stands and drinks. Continue until the end of the song! BINGE FACTOR - 7

7. Film Drinking - Two favourites for which you will need a crate of beers: Withnail & I where you simply drink whenever you see a character drink and Pulp Fiction where you drink every time someone swears. Ouch! BINGE FACTOR - 9

8. Never have I ever - A simple game where one person states a fact: for example; 'Never have I ever kissed a priest!' Those who have kissed a priest in their life must then drink. This is a fun game that can get bitchy depeneding on who you play with and how well you know them and their propensity for vendettas. BINGE FACTOR - 6

9. Flaming Arseholes - This is old skool. Rope up a long length of toilet paper. Stick one end up your arse. Stick the other end up someone else's arse, then get someone to light the middle of the paper so it goes up in flames and spreads towards the arses, shout 'Go' and neck your drink before you are allowed to remove the paper from your ringpiece. Like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, you'll be surprised how fast you can move when the heat is on!
BINGE FACTOR - 5 if done once, but the sheer danger alone can push this up to a 8

10. Soggy Biscuits - a bizarre ritual honed by public rugby playing school boys, where they place a pile of biscuits in the middle of the floor, stand around it in a ring, neck a pint and then wank over the biscuits. Last one to come eats the biscuits! Us working/middle class realists would settle for a dirty pint or a top shelf lager (a shot of every spirit on the top shelf topped up with beer). BINGE FACTOR - 2, WEIRD FACTOR - 10

And one for luck:
11. A Gallon of Milk - This is not booze related and thus has no BINGE FACTOR, but it is nonetheless grim and like most of the above should not be tried at home. Simply drink a Gallon (or 4 Litre / 8 pints) jug of milk. Do not stop until you are sick - The End!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone and try not to get your Binge out for the lads....unless it is absolutely necessary!

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Another Fine mEss

Did you hear recently about those French passengers who were diverted without warning on a RYANAIR (NO! Shock horror!) flight from Fez to Beauvois thus landing in Liege, Belgium (350km away)? Apparently once landed they said it was 'well foggy innit!'

I'm sure for the French waiting to get home from Morocco, landing in Liege, was the equivalent of a Londoner back from Malaga being diverted to Hull or somewhere 225 miles away that wasn't 'home' at 11:30 at night! Once again you get what you pay for!

Rather than join the other caged animals on put-on buses that were due to drive through the night, one of the four planes' passengers staged a sit-in. What did they get?

The toilets locked and the lights switched off for four hours until they finally complied. You got alove the French refusing to get out of a plane for fear of Belgium! But what of the disgraceful Ryanair, just another notch on the belt of an airline heading towards the realms of propaganda spouting fascism!

Rather than just saying 'They were French, what do you expect!' a spokesman for the airline added: "The passengers were unreasonable and refused to follow advice which would have allowed them to complete their journey!"

Well, I'm English and I don't understand the announcements. How is a Frenchman supposed to understand a Bulgarian speaking English I hear you ask?

The best bit though is that when they left the protesters to it, the pilot left the cockpit door open. How brilliant it would have been if some disgruntled Beauvoisite had handed their child to the nearest decent looking human and just ran into the cockpit and fired her up!

Let's hope we get some more pro-activism in the wake of quite successful and much appreciated anti-fees marches by the students! I'm sure with all the bad weather and shite public services and transport this is just the beginning!

Au Revoir et a bientot mon amis!