Oi you! Yes you with the piss stains on your beige flannel trousers! Wanna make some money?
Wanna use your skills and help with a massive enviable national iconic cultural event that will be heralded down through the ages as the true beginning of the end of civilisation? Sorry, what's that? You do? Oh good! Step this way then and simply do what you do best and urinate into this tiny cup for me, write your name and number on the outside and then PISS off!
Okay, i am not re-creating some filthy golden shower scene from Pantwetters 2 - the search for Olympic Gold (wee!), but merely writing about a new 'attraction' at Thorpe Park.
The organisers are holding wee auditions there on Friday. They are looking for the smelliest urine to accompany the decomposing meat and burning hair smell, thereby really topping off the senses available on SAW the ride, because having just your sense of direction and vision assaulted is apparently now not enough.
We need to know what it feels like to actually be openly tortured like a Guantanamo Bay terrorist cast down to the sewers with the sodomites for one final test of resolve. Add to this the fact that you are vibrated and electrocuted along the way and why else would you want to leave the country this summer. Just head on down to Thorpe Park (or should I say South Park). Maybe after you've been on Saw the ride and smelt the burning hair and smelt the piss, you could eat a turdburger for dinner and go sleep under a damp canal bridge for dessert.
So there we have it - the UK's recession summer holiday 2010. If you are sad to be missing events at Thorpe Park, try not to get too jealous. Just wait until 2011 when Drunken Rape the mini-cab ride and the horrifying corridor of Youf Nyph Cryme, where you actually feel the tickle of 1000 stabbing instruments on your gentle walk accompanied by crazy mirrors which show all your wounds in a funny way will be well and truly unleashed on the public.
See you there Friday then - well actually you won't as I'm saving my shits up for the inevitable Chessington World of Adventures backlash or stashing my most violent animal porn for the UK's Most Depraved helter-skelter at Alton Towers.
PS The winner of the piss competition not only gets the honour of getting up the public's nose, but also nets a cool £500, so if you're really broke get yourself down to Thorpe Park this Friday (11am-2pm) and donate to your fellow humankind the best way you know how. Actually you better get down there for 9am - the queues are expected to be huge. And rightly so - when was the last time someone gave you half a grand for anything, let alone a ruddy bladder-relieving slash just off the soul-crushing M25? Huh? Exactly!
Fuck it, maybe I will see you there! Better still, maybe I can get a second job as a judge, considering how much piss I've smelt in my time. Now where did I put that Salty Beer-Asparagus pickle? I got half a grand to win!