Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Thanks for flying Inept Air

This week an 'unnamed man' travelling from Krakow in Poland to the UK allegedly won a 10,000 Euro scratchcard on Ryanair, then when told he couldn't collect his winnings immediately as it was a seperate company, began eating it in acute frustration.

If this is a true story, why did he do that? Was he pushed to the edge by so many crass and annoying adverts and announcements about how grateful to Ryanair he should be for delivering him from evil to England for just 7 Euros plus 25 euro booking fee with a nice pat on his back(There you go sir, that's how to fly a plane - we told you we knew what we were off you fuck to wait 4 hours for your bag!) or was he simply caught in a mild state of panic realising he was about to land in the East Midlands?

This probably depends on a few factors. Whether he was Polish and not knowing what he was getting himself in for - substituting a cheap pint in a Kraklovian bierkeller for a cold recession 8% meat pie and soggy chips in Derby. My theory would be however that he was English, returning home from an enjoyable city break and automatically switched from relaxed holiday mode into stressed bonusless banker having his senses bombarded orally (the foul tasting hot snacks), aurally - the insane tannoy propaganda, touchily - by the obese scaffolder taking up one and a half seats to his left, visually by the day glo yellow of the inside of a metal contraption being flown at 30,000 feet by a YTS trainee with Attention Deficiency Disorder, and smellily by the hippy to his right's irritable bowel syndrome turning last night's perogi borscht into methane.

In fairness, having been asked several times during the flight by cabin crew if he or anyone else had change for a tenner, he was a little naive in thinking they would pay out 10000 big ones on the spot.

Regardless of all that guff, this story from Sky News (on Yahoo! 27 Feb 2010) is blatantly another propaganda lie by the shameless company of the old 'Ryanair to charge £1 for using the toilet' scam. This previous story was made up to distract punters from the bigger picture (any publicity is good publicity) - the fact that they were going to start charging for using debit cards - a little white lie to cover up a big stinking black gangrenous one! And so-called breaking news lazy journalism has brought us this - as people are so quick to judge, they probably have looked straight past this fact. i always wonder about those pictures of people in the reader's digest whose photo sits next to John from Hampshire won £33,122 - how much they were actually paid to have their photo put in the magazine! In this instance, how much has Ryanair paid the 'PR', I mean journalist to unleash this hilarous story?

Stephen McNamara, the totalitarian spokesman for the airline, said: "Passengers have always been delighted to claim their large cash prizes after returning home. Unfortunately our latest winner felt that we should have his 10,000 euros prize kicking around on the aircraft."

Ha ha ha, Stephen! If only you had space among the smug bastards and the untrainned staff and the delicious 8 euro snacks and pretend fags!

Give 'the unnamed man' some dignity - I bet he wanted to shit that golden ticket right in your mouth, Stephen you lying bastard just as the tannoy horn-blows that 90% of flights land on time, the best of any airline and how lucky everyone is to live in a democracy! (Yeah, nothing to do with the flight time to Ireland saying 90 minutes when it actually takes 60 by the way - we're on time again honey! woo hoo! We're partying now!)

So everyone go onto until the 5th of March and vote for which charity the money should go to! (How can they donate money he has swallowed to charity, but not give it to 'him'? Hmm sounds fishy!) Oh, and p.s. sexy free individuals - while you're online why not book a cheap flight or two! Grooovy Stephen thanks!

Anyone who has to fly Ryanair from today should get their own registered charity ISBN number - and people could donate compassioantely like cancer charities, leaving a note: My Derek, god rest his soul, had to fly Ryanair once, so i know what you're going thru - here's a tenner and get well soon! (that kind of thing).

Anyway I have to go, I'm flying Inept Air in 3 weeks, so I need to leave to catch my train and make sure I check my bag on time at my favourite airport of all time 'London' Luton, a two word paradox if ever I heard one. Its like calling a Scottish train station equi-distance from two cities - Edinburgh-Glasgow.

Until next time, when I endeavour dear reader to write 90% less bullshit or your money back!
ciao dickheads
PS I am available for children's parties!

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